To bark or not to bark
Humans are a constant source of bewilderment for me. I'll sometimes hear the man say things like "PADS, STOP LICKING YOUR WILLY." Why does he say that? That's what dogs do. Who else is going to do it? He has a problem with the slurping noise. In the night, when I wake up and have a few minutes licking my privates, he grabs some headphones and sticks them in his ears. He doesn't have ear plugs, so he has to use headphones and not wireless ones either, so the wire ends up wrapped round his neck by the morning. Dumbo.
Anyway, when he complains about it, I give him a look as if to say, 'That's what dogs do', but he's rubbish at interpreting my facial expressions, because to him they all look 'DEADPAN' as he calls it. Deadpan should work in that situation though.
Then other times I'd bark and he'd say, "PADS, STOP BARKING! WHY ARE YOU BARKING?" I'm looking at him, like, 'Why are you TALKING?' I'm barking because I'm a dog; bloody get over it.
I think the man can't get his head around my barking, because when they first adopted me, I didn't bark at all. You know, it was all new to me and you're in someone else's house, it's a different country and you don't like to be a nuisance. And I'm just a quiet and pensive sort of chap generally, so I prefer not to bark too much. Once I'd settled a bit, yeah, I admit, I felt relaxed and at home enough to bark on occasion. A bit like when a human couple get together and for about 6 months, the man doesn't fart. Then he feels like he doesn't have to make an effort and he believes the woman won't kick him out, so he drops the odd fart and she shows mild disgust, but he's still not been kicked out and so he builds up gradually from the odd fart to maybe a fart a day after a year to a situation about 5 years in when he farts more than he breathes. At which point, the woman thinks, sod it, I'll start farting too. Well, that was me with barking, except I have a limit, I don't bark anywhere near as much as the man farts and I only bark in a limited number of situations.
Here are those limited situations:
Situation 1 - Someone comes to the door. The humans think this is protective barking, but I'm not delusional. I'm a small dog weighing little more than a packet of Doritos with a bark like a drag queen catching a fingernail in a sequined dress, you know, more of an OOOO than a RRRRRRRR. So, if I bark, I'm just saying that someone's at the door. I try to vary the bark depending on whether it's the postman (nice affable chap) or a parcel delivery person (bit of a mixed lot really) or a tradesman (we've had a few of those recently, having just moved house.) I know who it is, because I have a window seat in the kitchen that looks out front. I'm just being helpful. To be honest though, I also bark and even growl if someone just walks past the drive, but that's just me having fun, calling them a name, like BIG HEAD or SMELLY ARSE or FATTY BUM BUM or GORMLESS. I've heard worse when the man's driving me somewhere in the car and as on those occasions, the people don't hear what they're being called. I don't agree with that old cliché that if you have something to say, say it to someone's face. That might upset them, If I want to take the piss, I'll do it when they don't hear, that way they aren't upset and I enjoy myself. Win win.
Situation 2 - I want a walk or a play. When I'm bored, I sit in front of my human mummy and stare at her. She knows I want attention then. She'll look back at me, saying, "What, Pads?" with a smile, but she won't move. So I start making my begging noise, like a little whine, my effort at impersonating human talk, which isn't any good; a bit like some humans who try to do accents that all end up sounding Pakistani when they're meant to be Welsh or Scouse or Irish or something. Then, if she still doesn't respond, I'll bark. MOVE YOUR ARSE! I say with the bark. Human mummy knows if it's a walk or a play, because if we've had a walk, it must be a play, so she'll say, "Where's your willy? Get your willy" In this situation, she doesn't mean MY ACTUAL willy, she means the long, thin, pink cuddly toy she bought me that is meant to be an animal, but because it's pink and sausage shaped, she calls it a willy. Not that you see willies like that. Except that one time when we were out walking and passed a horse in a field and he looked like he had five legs.
Situation 3 - I am trying to persuade a squirrel to come down from a tree. I love to chase squirrels and they join in the game by running away, but then they cheat by climbing up a tree. I'm a bit like a cat in many respects - slinky, devious, quiet, desperate for tickles and with an arsehole the size of a one penny piece - but I can't climb trees for toffee nuts. So, I bark things at the squirrel to point out the unfairness of his actions, that climbing is cheating and that the Marquis of Dogsbury rules dictate that the chase stays at ground level. Even cats stick to that rule.
And that's it, these are the only occasions on which I bark. So many dogs my size are yappy little bleeders, but I have learned the power of silence. You know that song, The Sound of Silence? That describes me, though Paul Simon might have been even more accurate if he'd written 'silence punctuated by the slurpy noise of licking your own privates.'
Anyway, when he complains about it, I give him a look as if to say, 'That's what dogs do', but he's rubbish at interpreting my facial expressions, because to him they all look 'DEADPAN' as he calls it. Deadpan should work in that situation though.
Then other times I'd bark and he'd say, "PADS, STOP BARKING! WHY ARE YOU BARKING?" I'm looking at him, like, 'Why are you TALKING?' I'm barking because I'm a dog; bloody get over it.
I think the man can't get his head around my barking, because when they first adopted me, I didn't bark at all. You know, it was all new to me and you're in someone else's house, it's a different country and you don't like to be a nuisance. And I'm just a quiet and pensive sort of chap generally, so I prefer not to bark too much. Once I'd settled a bit, yeah, I admit, I felt relaxed and at home enough to bark on occasion. A bit like when a human couple get together and for about 6 months, the man doesn't fart. Then he feels like he doesn't have to make an effort and he believes the woman won't kick him out, so he drops the odd fart and she shows mild disgust, but he's still not been kicked out and so he builds up gradually from the odd fart to maybe a fart a day after a year to a situation about 5 years in when he farts more than he breathes. At which point, the woman thinks, sod it, I'll start farting too. Well, that was me with barking, except I have a limit, I don't bark anywhere near as much as the man farts and I only bark in a limited number of situations.
Here are those limited situations:
Situation 1 - Someone comes to the door. The humans think this is protective barking, but I'm not delusional. I'm a small dog weighing little more than a packet of Doritos with a bark like a drag queen catching a fingernail in a sequined dress, you know, more of an OOOO than a RRRRRRRR. So, if I bark, I'm just saying that someone's at the door. I try to vary the bark depending on whether it's the postman (nice affable chap) or a parcel delivery person (bit of a mixed lot really) or a tradesman (we've had a few of those recently, having just moved house.) I know who it is, because I have a window seat in the kitchen that looks out front. I'm just being helpful. To be honest though, I also bark and even growl if someone just walks past the drive, but that's just me having fun, calling them a name, like BIG HEAD or SMELLY ARSE or FATTY BUM BUM or GORMLESS. I've heard worse when the man's driving me somewhere in the car and as on those occasions, the people don't hear what they're being called. I don't agree with that old cliché that if you have something to say, say it to someone's face. That might upset them, If I want to take the piss, I'll do it when they don't hear, that way they aren't upset and I enjoy myself. Win win.
Situation 2 - I want a walk or a play. When I'm bored, I sit in front of my human mummy and stare at her. She knows I want attention then. She'll look back at me, saying, "What, Pads?" with a smile, but she won't move. So I start making my begging noise, like a little whine, my effort at impersonating human talk, which isn't any good; a bit like some humans who try to do accents that all end up sounding Pakistani when they're meant to be Welsh or Scouse or Irish or something. Then, if she still doesn't respond, I'll bark. MOVE YOUR ARSE! I say with the bark. Human mummy knows if it's a walk or a play, because if we've had a walk, it must be a play, so she'll say, "Where's your willy? Get your willy" In this situation, she doesn't mean MY ACTUAL willy, she means the long, thin, pink cuddly toy she bought me that is meant to be an animal, but because it's pink and sausage shaped, she calls it a willy. Not that you see willies like that. Except that one time when we were out walking and passed a horse in a field and he looked like he had five legs.
Situation 3 - I am trying to persuade a squirrel to come down from a tree. I love to chase squirrels and they join in the game by running away, but then they cheat by climbing up a tree. I'm a bit like a cat in many respects - slinky, devious, quiet, desperate for tickles and with an arsehole the size of a one penny piece - but I can't climb trees for toffee nuts. So, I bark things at the squirrel to point out the unfairness of his actions, that climbing is cheating and that the Marquis of Dogsbury rules dictate that the chase stays at ground level. Even cats stick to that rule.
And that's it, these are the only occasions on which I bark. So many dogs my size are yappy little bleeders, but I have learned the power of silence. You know that song, The Sound of Silence? That describes me, though Paul Simon might have been even more accurate if he'd written 'silence punctuated by the slurpy noise of licking your own privates.'
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