The Blog of Pads

Shall I tell you about my new enterprise?  I'll tell you.  I have invented a social media website for literate dogs like my hairy self.  I am not the only dog capable of dextrously applying his paws to a laptop keyboard to create blogs like this for your entertainment.  There are countless other clever dogs out there who are capable of doing so.  Not some breeds, obviously.  Some breeds are as thick as poo.  But for those who aren't, I have launched a doggy version of Twitter, which I have called WOOFER and it already has thousands of users. If you are familiar with Twitter, then you will appreciate the following description of how Woofer is being used.  I have modelled it on the main features of Twitter in terms of posting Woofs, following other Woofers, Re-woofing Woofs and 'liking' other Woofs (though I have used the word LICK instead of LIKE so you actually Lick other Woofs.) Doggy users can add a brief bio.  As you'd imagine, most of...

Let me start with the weather.  It's been RAGINGLY PISSY for months now.  I'm from Cyprus and we only have two seasons there - HOT and SHISHING HOT.  But here in England you have four seasons - PISSY-COLD, BLOODY-COLD, NOT-SO-COLD and RELATIVELY WARM.  When it's PISSY-COLD time, like now, the leaves all fall off the trees and make it impossible for humans to find one of my poos (but easy to accidentally stumble across another dog's); and it rains just often enough to maintain a permanent covering of dampness to everything including everyone's mood. This year, there have been extra layers of DRIZZLY SOGGY PISSINESS on top of the expected PERMAPISS, which is causing the man no end of irritation as he has been doing all my walks while my human mummy tries to recover from a slightly debilitating spell of seasonal lurgey.  He's clearly fed up with the machinations surrounding the whole walking duty: the need for him to change into a pair of muddy jeans that have re...

I've had some time on my hands, so I was doing some 'historical research' about the life of dogs in the past. According to one popular academic journal of the time, 'The Beano', back in the 1970s dogs used to bite postmen and be given bones.  Times really have changed and I can't work out if we are now more enlightened or just over-protective.  For one thing, postmen - you humans now call them 'postal workers' so as to be less gender-specific - never get chased or bitten by us dogs.  That's despite those twee little signs people put on their front doors that say 'Beware of the Dog'.  It seems like that used to mean 'Beware that the dog doesn't bite you' whereas these days it probably means 'Please be aware that we have a dog and you knocking on the door might trigger his anxiety'.  If I bark at the postman when he knocks, it's not because I'm anxious, it's because I want to chase him and bite his legs. Did ...

Let me tell you about a new thing I do. I go down the pub. My humans recently moved to a house in a place surrounded by fields and woods and I love fields, because I can run loads and get muddy and chase rabbits and squirrels; but the added benefit to being in this 'village' as they call it, is the local pub.  I'd never been to a pub before.  I think most pubs have strict rules like you have to be a certain age and you have to be human and they check your ID to make sure you are.  But this pub is 'dog-friendly' meaning that I can get in without ID. And pubs are a whole new world to me.  First time I walked in, I wasn't sure.  There were these two nasty looking bastard dogs sat just by the door, gave me dirty looks and growled at me, as if to say this was THEIR pub.  I thought to myself, this is like those East End pubs in the 60s that I've heard about, where someone would glass you as soon as look at you, take a pool cue to your head for spilling thei...

Humans are a constant source of bewilderment for me.  I'll sometimes hear the man say things like "PADS, STOP LICKING YOUR WILLY."  Why does he say that?  That's what dogs do.  Who else is going to do it?  He has a problem with the slurping noise.  In the night, when I wake up and have a few minutes licking my privates, he grabs some headphones and sticks them in his ears.  He doesn't have ear plugs, so he has to use headphones and not wireless ones either, so the wire ends up wrapped round his neck by the morning.  Dumbo. Anyway, when he complains about it, I give him a look as if to say, 'That's what dogs do', but he's rubbish at interpreting my facial expressions, because to him they all look 'DEADPAN' as he calls it.  Deadpan should work in that situation though. Then other times I'd bark and he'd say, "PADS, STOP BARKING! WHY ARE YOU BARKING?"  I'm looking at him, like, 'Why are you TALKING?'  I'm ...

I might have legs so short that you'd imagine I'd been dropped from a tall height, legs like Lego people, all joint and no limb, but I do LOVE a long walk and I can run fast enough to get within a sniff of the backside of any squirrel that I chase.  My human Mummy takes me on most of my walks, but about once a week she leaves the house with a big square bag and doesn't come back until the next day - she calls it WORK, as if she can't avoid it, but I do have a sulk - and that means that the man does my walks. I don't like the man as much as human Mummy.  His walks are shorter and he doesn't talk much to me on the way, he just shouts, 'COME PADS' if I lag behind and 'PADS, WAIT!' if I go too far ahead.  You can't win with him, really.  Anyway, I like to play the odd trick on him during our walks. Most of the tricks I play on him involve poo, because he acts as if a dog should always have one poo per walk, preferably firm enough to pick...